Confession of a Lone Rouge Who Craves Connection | How to Turn Loneliness into Gold
"Your purpose is bigger than the crowds you try to fit in."
I confess...I have almost no friends. While I have had beautiful interactions and connections that are passing and fleeting, I could count on one hand how many fully formed friendships I have. This is in part a conscious choice. I’ve always seen myself as a lone rouge and after years of living this way, I thought maybe there really was something wrong with me for having never found a place to fit in. While honesty is my strength, vulnerability and intimacy are not. And both are needed to create connections. In spite of my lack, I have searched and sought out connections, but something weird would always happen.
Every time I made a new friend or connection: they would move away, start hanging with a drastically different crowd, I would start to feel less like myself around them, or they would stop reaching out to me. And the loneliness would always lead me back to being with myself. This weird phenomenon always threw me for a loop because I didn’t know if my habit of maintaining really strong boundaries or my excessive optimism at having finally found a place to belong leading to a dead-end of disappointment was creating this result.
The back and forth was constant. I would find myself joining groups or organizations and trying really hard to blend in, then I would start to feel this itch to separate myself or a separation would happen naturally. As I get older, I’ve realized that every ending of a friendship or connection has led me closer to embracing self-love, self-acceptance, and spirituality. It seems that at every step of the way I’ve been guided to seek my own spiritual path and in turn it has strengthened each time. Each time, I’ve heard a voice inside say, “Belong to yourself, be more authentic, raw, honest, try less, listen to your inner knowing.” This was always the result of every relationship and connection I’ve ever made, regardless of whether they ended or not.
I’ve always thought of myself as a lone rogue because of my need to tread my own path and not blend in. I mean look at my checklist: I am an artist, with almost no friends, who is repelled by conformity. This combination is almost guaranteed to create a propensity towards independent thinking. While the craving to belong started out strong in my school years, it has eased off with each passing experience. This constant theme of not belonging anywhere has given me clarity on what I need and want for myself. And the more I’ve embraced myself the more meaningful the connections in my life have become, however fleeting they may be.
So here’s my message to you. Your purpose is bigger than the crowds you try to fit in. You know your worth and your light, don’t devalue or dim it. We belong to ourselves. So think for yourself and really discern what’s important and worth your time. Embrace the vulnerability and intimacy experienced within and let it guide you to expressing it outwardly.
Have I achieved this level of freedom? Not quite, but every disappointment and learning experience has pointed in that direction. I’m on my way, as are we all. It's yours if you want it. Now, go take yourself dancing.
Every time I made a new friend or connection: they would move away, start hanging with a drastically different crowd, I would start to feel less like myself around them, or they would stop reaching out to me. And the loneliness would always lead me back to being with myself. This weird phenomenon always threw me for a loop because I didn’t know if my habit of maintaining really strong boundaries or my excessive optimism at having finally found a place to belong leading to a dead-end of disappointment was creating this result.
The back and forth was constant. I would find myself joining groups or organizations and trying really hard to blend in, then I would start to feel this itch to separate myself or a separation would happen naturally. As I get older, I’ve realized that every ending of a friendship or connection has led me closer to embracing self-love, self-acceptance, and spirituality. It seems that at every step of the way I’ve been guided to seek my own spiritual path and in turn it has strengthened each time. Each time, I’ve heard a voice inside say, “Belong to yourself, be more authentic, raw, honest, try less, listen to your inner knowing.” This was always the result of every relationship and connection I’ve ever made, regardless of whether they ended or not.
I’ve always thought of myself as a lone rogue because of my need to tread my own path and not blend in. I mean look at my checklist: I am an artist, with almost no friends, who is repelled by conformity. This combination is almost guaranteed to create a propensity towards independent thinking. While the craving to belong started out strong in my school years, it has eased off with each passing experience. This constant theme of not belonging anywhere has given me clarity on what I need and want for myself. And the more I’ve embraced myself the more meaningful the connections in my life have become, however fleeting they may be.
So here’s my message to you. Your purpose is bigger than the crowds you try to fit in. You know your worth and your light, don’t devalue or dim it. We belong to ourselves. So think for yourself and really discern what’s important and worth your time. Embrace the vulnerability and intimacy experienced within and let it guide you to expressing it outwardly.
Have I achieved this level of freedom? Not quite, but every disappointment and learning experience has pointed in that direction. I’m on my way, as are we all. It's yours if you want it. Now, go take yourself dancing.
Get the tools many have used to overcome fear, limiting beliefs, and blockages and create the life they have always desired by scheduling a coaching session with me at www.shantiacrowley.com/life-coaching, or continue to get a stream of inspiring creative entrepreneurial content from these blogs. As always, remember you are the creator of your reality. Transform your life from the inside out.
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