The Funny Thing I learned about Boundaries| How to Let in and Let be

“By disconnecting myself from the outer world I had mirrored a disconnection within myself.”

In my last article, I mentioned that I was good at having strong boundaries. For years, I praised myself over my ability to not let others take advantage of me and my equally incredible ability of being a good judge of character. Nope, no bad energies welcome here! No thank you! Oh yeah, I’ve been good alright, so good in fact, letting people in had become a foreign language.

In the play Fences by August Wilson, one particular quote stuck out to me, “Some people build fences to keep people out and other people build fences to keep people in.” That is exactly what boundaries do. They keep people out and they keep you in—by yourself.

I had always been intent on creating this inner grand oasis that allowed me to feel safe to be with myself by myself. I became that safe space for me to go to. I welcomed the tears, the anger, and the big dreams. Whatever I had cultivated within was safe to be understood, but I had simultaneously limited myself from accessing a lot of the good stuff because disconnection is…disconnection. By disconnecting myself from the outer world I had mirrored a disconnection within myself.

Since I could remember, I have always struggled with praise and acknowledgment from others. Humility was supposed to be a good thing right? If you don’t let anything in, it isn’t. I would always feel bewildered with praise and a kind of stubbornness towards it as if letting it in would stop me from trying to be better. But the opposite happened, I feared it never belonging to me so intensely, eventually, I stopped trying to be better. Thankfully, I’m also allergic to that feeling. The constant back and forth between both feelings always awoke within me this inner fight to liberate myself more and more each time.

For some time, I have assumed that what I was doing was creating connections and letting people in but I could still feel myself rejecting good feelings and keeping people at a “safe” distance. I couldn’t help but wonder what that was all about. I had pursued a whole life coaching career to create and understand connection, but my personal life still felt limited. With writing a blog and unapologetically opening up to my friends, family, and co-workers I realized that connection is fun and liberating so long as you let go of the need to protect yourself and the fear of getting hurt. It’s either you fear being hurt or you open up to exciting possibilities. 

I remember having a talk with a client about them needing boundaries and they immediately told me that they felt agitated at people always talking about boundaries. And now that I think about it, it makes sense. Boundaries are not always necessary. They are great for when you are feeling low, scared, and need those extra layers of protection to get through the day or through a hardship. It’s the armor you wear to keep out the bad guys but let me say this, you are keeping out the good guys too. Let me also say this, you are safe to dream openly, to live openly, to speak openly, and to be yourself. 

Trust is a mindset, the more you embrace it; the easier it comes. When you let your boundaries down or at least shed a few layers and see that you being guarded is actually limiting people and experiences from coming to you, you’ll get to see and feel it for yourself the difference. What’s even better is that a small part of me does care about what people think about me opening up, but the larger majority is having a good time. People who live openly inspire me. I feel free when I’m around them and I want to take that feeling and multiply it. I am shedding my armor and with each layer that I shed, I let in and I let be. I open up and cease judgment for others to do the same. I connect to myself and simultaneously everything else.

Get the tools many have used to overcome fear, limiting beliefs, and blockages and create the life they desire by scheduling a sample coaching session with me at www.shantiacrowley.com/life-coaching, or continue to get a stream of inspiring creative entrepreneurial content from these blogs. As always, remember you are the creator of your reality. Transform your life from the inside out.