Happiness: the good, the bad, and the vibrant

“I don’t deserve to be happy.” That used to be a recurring thought and voice in my head. My first memory of having this feeling was when I was 4. From 4 onwards I developed a really good habit of syncing my reality to this voice. The shadow voice I call it. The one that brings all of our fears into our heads and makes a really good case of convincing us that its’ words are definite. 

It became really apparent to me that this voice had warped the trajectory of my life when I compared my life to my sisters. Not the external stuff, the internal hair-pulling nightmare.

 My sister…she’s a truly beautiful soul. The kind that radiates effortlessly. Somewhere along the way, I became convinced that I was the defect and she was the perfect. She’s definitely not perfect—no one is but I always looked to her in awe at how happiness seemed to be her default and appeared to be missing from my genetic makeup. But, it wasn’t the genetics, my sister just understood something…Before I could understand that same thing I had to seek an answer to this question: Why do we deprive ourselves?

Simple answer: Because we can. It is a subconscious, unconscious habit.

Extended answer: Because it’s what we know, it’s what we learned, because we are convinced that we don’t deserve to be happy. We pick up on the patterns of deprivation and over-familiarize ourselves with the shadow voice. And that is just…h-e-a-v-y.

I felt the burden of that heaviness for years. Most days I was a willing participant of letting it pull me down under. But, the thing my sister understood that took me and many others longer to understand is that happiness is an everyday choice. Not only is it a choice it’s a perception. 

Happiness is like a magic seed settled within us that gets activated after being watered by our own willingness. The minute water touches it, it’s roots plant, the bud bursts out, and it becomes this viney vibrant garden from which we see life.

From early on, my sister didn’t deprive herself of her own happiness—her internal source. When she wanted to find love she sought it, when she decided to complete multiple marathons she did them, when she wanted to be the glue to our family she became it, and when she decided she was ready to be a mom she became one. Her outer reality to achieve the things she internally desired was like one graceful dance move to another. She had the courage to go after what she wanted and the confidence to receive it.

For so long, I deprived myself of the many good feels in life because I was afraid that someone or something would snatch them from me and I would die and it would be THE END. 

But I’ve been fine each time, I just get up and keep going.

Maybe like me, you will be stubborn and resist the good stuff and it will take a series of breakdowns and exhaustion at the breakdowns for something else…For a new way to live—a better, healthier, sustainable, and holistic way.

At our core, stillness is our natural state, while the heaviness and shadow voice are the resistance that keeps us from accessing the magic seeds within. If you don’t believe me, try really pulling into your body and looking at all the pain. Does it stay or does it go? What is left when all the stories and feels go away?

If you could only put an ounce of willingness into activating your seeds, good things and more good things can pour in. I had to first dip my toe in . Now, should anger, hurt, sorrow, or despair show up at my doorstep, instead of the crippling fear, I can now hold a more sturdy uncomfortable skepticism to them.  

The bad stuff may happen but we get to have the good or great stuff too. So long as we remember to have the courage to go after it and the confidence to receive it.

Here are some exercises that can help you activate your seeds. Answer the following:

• What do you want?
• What's stopping you from getting it? 
• What feelings are you struggling to access?
• Why do you deprive yourself?
• What fears come up?
• Do you believe you deserve to be happy? Why not?
• Have you gotten through difficult situations and emotions before? What got you through them?
• If you could reset your entire life, what would you do?

Get the tools many have used to overcome fear, limiting beliefs, and blockages and create the life they desire by scheduling a sample coaching session with me at www.shantiacrowley.com/life-coaching, or continue to get a stream of inspiring creative entrepreneurial content from these blogs. As always, remember you are the creator of your reality. Transform your life from the inside out.